Why take any journey? Go on any adventure? I hadn’t anticipated this particular adventure to turn into such an ordeal, but once there, I wanted to see it through.

The Shadow

Apart from experiencing a profound, surprisingly authentic spiritual connection and some of the most mind scrambling synchronicities, there is a compelling argument to be made for NOT avoiding. Specifically, the parts we want to avoid. How present can we be in our life, and with the people we love, when we continually turn away from our wounds?

According to psychiatrist Phil Stutz, the shadow is the version of ourselves that we want to hide from the world the most.

And whilst ideally, we’d love to bury our demons and resort to more pleasurable things, the shadow needs our attention. Otherwise, and oftentimes unbeknownst to us, it will ultimately pull the strings to our life.

We realise the shadow is at play when seemingly unrelated and distinct situations suddenly reveal a striking familiarity. In psychological terms, when there is a consistent underlying pattern, even if the external circumstances or appearances vary.

Avoidance thus means taking the long path. It is shying away from going there, directly, promptly, and instead taking detour after detour. Avoidance is movement away from the thing we want. It is lowering oneself into muddy waters, distancing ourselves from truth and spiraling into confusion. It is the elephant in the room we pretend we do not see. We can lose years on avoidance. What begins as a coping mechanism becomes a lifestyle and ultimately our identity.

By avoiding the shadow part, we are lead astray, farther from integrity and towards insecurity. The more often we avoid, the more insecure we become. We lose trust in our word, with ourselves and others won’t take us seriously either. Yet most likely we won’t know this, as we avoid that painful realisation as well.

Avoidance is setting ourselves up for delay, disappointment, and roadblocks. Anti-flow.

Whether we avoid taking an action, speaking a truth, or feeling a feeling, when we avoid, we are out of alignment. Eventually we pay for avoidance with our energy, creativity, and waste precious life force.

Avoidance is a suitable and sometimes necessary tool to circumvent discomfort, such as overwhelming physical or emotional pain. We avoid because we are not prepared to experience a suffering. This avoidance of suffering may not be a conscious choice but rather unconscious coping behaviour. Procrastination for instance is always about short-term mood repair. When we procrastinate, failure becomes rewarding (neurophysiologically we experience relief through deciding not to do an anxiety provoking task).

The Addiction

The more sensitive we are, the more likely we will avoid experiencing uncomfortable emotions. Continual avoidance may naturally lead to addictions. According to renowned physician Gabor Mate MD, addiction does not begin with the substance or behavior we are addicted to but rather with the pain, we are unprepared to feel.

Whether we use substances (alcohol, drugs and food) or behaviours (validation seeking, sex, love, working, shopping, scrolling, running, binge-watching, gaming) the outcome, whilst being a workaholic is socially more accepted and has no direct dire physical implications as those of a human being addicted to drugs and alcohol, is similarly detrimental. Workaholism invites increased risk of heart disease, dementia, Alzheimer’s, and heavily strained personal relations.

Studies show that workaholics have distinct neurological and psychiatric profiles like those addicted to narcotics. The same studies also show that workaholism masks anxiety, intimacy issues and low self-esteem.

The avoidance of discomfort is a downward spiral as we become increasingly disconnected from ourselves. We focus on the external and temporary pleasures, to soothe our pain within.

When our shadow embodies the core belief that we are bad, unworthy, or unlovable, it might drive us to compulsive validation-seeking behaviours like pursuing success, fame, sex or love to prove our goodness, worthiness, and lovability. Despite our most innate desire to love and be loved, our actions tell a different story. Struggling to embrace true vulnerability and thereby exposing and integrating the shadow parts, we resort to seeking shallow, short-term admiration instead, ultimately preventing deep, loving bonds.

The initiation experience varies for each individual. In my case, the moment I stepped onto that plot of land in Gabon, my shadow came out to play, stared me in the face and didn’t leave my side. Out in the open for everyone to see, it invited me to dance.

To be continued …